My meditation practice is progressing as of late. I have been focusing less on technique and form and have moved into "just sitting" or formless meditation.  Concentrative meditation and insight meditation are remarkably different. 

Basically, I have taken to following the breath.  Technically, following the breath is still meditation with form.  However, the breath is the most subtle object of meditation.  The mind is far quieter and has less repetitive movement.  The breath is natural and ever present.  Plus, my focus of meditation has been to just sit on the cushion and let things happen in the present moment.  Very effective and time melts away.  Interesting.  I have been thinking seriously about a Vipassana retreat or a Zen sesshin lately.

I hereby announce the unveiling of my personal five year plan.

Rather simple and spartan if I do say myself.

1.  Have stable employment within the education system as a school counselor.

2.  Be involved in online teaching.

3.  Be finished with my doctorate in educational psychology by 2012.

4.  Own a studio condo, living in the community that I am working in.  (reduce commuting costs, if not walk.)  Hopefully with a down payment of at least $60K.

5.  Be aggressively investing for retirement.

6.  Be aggressively paying off my school loans.

7.  Living a life of utmost voluntary simplicity, which includes at a minimum: cooking all meals at home, low energy consumption, minimal furniture, washer/dryer in unit, dishwasher, fireplace, and storage space.

I have realized how great living has been lately and in part what is making that so.  Cooking, reading, meditating, writing, running, lifting weights, socializing, working, and going to school are making me feel like I have stability, routine, and order.  My life works dramatially better with these things.  I have a renewed interest in voluntary simplicty.  The only point I take issue with is clothing.  It is hard to be an active member of society while looking like you entered a time warp from five years ago.  But, I see now that the future has even greater strides to be made for personal freedom.  Solar may be self sufficient sooner rather than later.  The internet allows almost everything to come from one source.  There is no need for mail.  Cell phones have replaced land lines.  My car is paid off and I have no intention of ever buying a new car again.  I also have no intention of commuting like I currently do.  Life can be simplier, especially if I remain single. 

Today was a productive day from a lot of viewpoints.  First of all, it included a roadtrip of sorts.  Mama and I drove up to Skokie to go shopping and to check out the NLU campus where I will be taking classes.  We bonded.  It has been awhile since we really spent any normal type of time together.  I have been on pretty much the complete opposite schedule, which has some upsides and downsides.

I also made it a priority to go shopping for clothing today.  I desperately need to buy new pants.  I had started to look like a hobo at work.  I shot for dress casual and made the rounds at Macys, American Eagle, and J. Crew.  I was sort of surprised to see that I know wear a 32/30 pant.  Impressive.  I would like to settle into a 30/30 by the end of the year.  I also ordered a pair of awesome, grey Birkenstock boston clogs.  I anticipate that they will last forever. 

The university campus is very impressive.  It looks very new, very modern.  I am a little concerned about the commute, but I am very attracted to the area.  Lots of great restaurants, enternainment, and shopping.  Plus the cultural influences are definitely my kinda style. 

I still have no clue what is going on with my life in the next month and weeks.  I continue to enjoy the summer and have a small slice of order in the chaos.

Strange enough, I have the next three days off.  Even stranger is the weather forcast: RAIN.  And then some more rain, and yet again, more rain.

So much for luck.  If it wasn't for bad luck I would have no luck at all.  I have class today and was able to do my presentation on depression.  Of course, it went well and as the vast majority of my presentations go, created controversy.  Needless to say, a fair amount of people in the room had questions.  Which is fine.  I love that part.  If I am not causing some trouble I am not doing my job.  :)  And that is why I am in academics.. ..

I am in the precarious position of having to buy clothes tonight.  I need pants that fit properly in a desperate way.  I hate trying on clothes and going through that whole ordeal, but it is needed.  After that I will be hitting the arc trainer tonight for an hour of pain. 

I mentioned earlier a mild revelation about relationships and my libido.  Well, my libido is finally starting to fall after several months of caloric restriction.  I am surprised it took this long and had even thought for a time that it wouldn't happen.  Well, I was wrong and this couldn't have happened at a better time.  My appetite has been out of control, as most 20 year old guys can attest to.  But it has been getting me in trouble, wasting my energy alone (ahem), and getting me into relationships that are not good for me for as long as I can remember.  The last one being a perfect example.

For a long time I thought that old age and the loss of sexual desire might be a very freeing thing.  Well, I am now getting to see the benefits fastforwarded to me.  I actually see people differently and it is liberating.  I am less anxious and more even keeled.  I am more interested in actually listening and not thinking and speaking with the small head.  Actually, I have been in a very strange world and I love it.

Concurrently, but not because of, is the fact that I am no longer interested in romantic relationships.  I am open minded enough to say that this won't be a permanent change in my life, but it will be for at least the next six months.  I am starting to think about the future more than I care to lately and a major theme is that I can no longer see myself becoming a married man with children.  I have several old fashioned ideas about marriage and family life and I don't think I am interested.  The idea of being single here on out doesn't bother me like it once did.  I am not sure that I want that life or that I would be up for doing it properly.  There are about at least 100 other things I would rather do with my life than be responsible for other people.  Don't get me wrong, I am a lover and not fighter.  And I am also romantic, but I don't feel that overwhelming drive to make myself miserable looking for someone who clicks with me.  If that does happen, wow, I would be really surprised.  And if not, I will have an awesome, happy, contented life anyhow.  The show must go on and not dependent of other people. 

Which leads me to the one of the most important quotes of my life:

“We all have the illusion that other people are going to make us happy, that they're going to make our lives work.  Until we wear out that illusion, there will be no real solution.  Other people are for enjoyment, not for any other purposes.  They are part of the wonder that life is; they're not here to do something for us.” 
 Charlotte Joko Beck

I finally broke my weight plateau today and have moved the scale below 155 down to 152.   I think I can credit my digestive cleanse for that.  I will continue my weight loss until I reach 135.  Then I start a maintenance program that includes more intense weight training.  I sense that every soon my six pack abs will arrive.  No promises though.  I have to say that this is probably the healthiest I have felt in a very long time.