Day Thirteen

Strange enough, I have the next three days off.  Even stranger is the weather forcast: RAIN.  And then some more rain, and yet again, more rain.

So much for luck.  If it wasn't for bad luck I would have no luck at all.  I have class today and was able to do my presentation on depression.  Of course, it went well and as the vast majority of my presentations go, created controversy.  Needless to say, a fair amount of people in the room had questions.  Which is fine.  I love that part.  If I am not causing some trouble I am not doing my job.  :)  And that is why I am in academics.. ..

I am in the precarious position of having to buy clothes tonight.  I need pants that fit properly in a desperate way.  I hate trying on clothes and going through that whole ordeal, but it is needed.  After that I will be hitting the arc trainer tonight for an hour of pain. 

I mentioned earlier a mild revelation about relationships and my libido.  Well, my libido is finally starting to fall after several months of caloric restriction.  I am surprised it took this long and had even thought for a time that it wouldn't happen.  Well, I was wrong and this couldn't have happened at a better time.  My appetite has been out of control, as most 20 year old guys can attest to.  But it has been getting me in trouble, wasting my energy alone (ahem), and getting me into relationships that are not good for me for as long as I can remember.  The last one being a perfect example.

For a long time I thought that old age and the loss of sexual desire might be a very freeing thing.  Well, I am now getting to see the benefits fastforwarded to me.  I actually see people differently and it is liberating.  I am less anxious and more even keeled.  I am more interested in actually listening and not thinking and speaking with the small head.  Actually, I have been in a very strange world and I love it.

Concurrently, but not because of, is the fact that I am no longer interested in romantic relationships.  I am open minded enough to say that this won't be a permanent change in my life, but it will be for at least the next six months.  I am starting to think about the future more than I care to lately and a major theme is that I can no longer see myself becoming a married man with children.  I have several old fashioned ideas about marriage and family life and I don't think I am interested.  The idea of being single here on out doesn't bother me like it once did.  I am not sure that I want that life or that I would be up for doing it properly.  There are about at least 100 other things I would rather do with my life than be responsible for other people.  Don't get me wrong, I am a lover and not fighter.  And I am also romantic, but I don't feel that overwhelming drive to make myself miserable looking for someone who clicks with me.  If that does happen, wow, I would be really surprised.  And if not, I will have an awesome, happy, contented life anyhow.  The show must go on and not dependent of other people. 

Which leads me to the one of the most important quotes of my life:

“We all have the illusion that other people are going to make us happy, that they're going to make our lives work.  Until we wear out that illusion, there will be no real solution.  Other people are for enjoyment, not for any other purposes.  They are part of the wonder that life is; they're not here to do something for us.” 
 Charlotte Joko Beck